mmipanda

i had the BEST weekend.  i kind of wish we'd all had a proper mudfight at the festival, but noone else was keen for some reason. whatevs. 


standard stuff really.  watching someone blow chunks on her own lap at about 1pm.  real nice darl. dancing to mstrkrft, the rapture, purple sneakers, lady sovereign, etc etc etc.  grass turned to mud.  the STRESS of sneaking booze in, then buying incredibly overpriced drinks anyway. massive emergency ponchos used as picnic blankets. befriending strangers.  my new badge, which reads 'cunt you you cuntin cunt' - no idea why i wanted that. lining up way too many times for portaloos, and discussing in depth just WHY men are ok with peeing in a urinal all together but no sober girl would consider squatting in a communal trough.

Oh.  we were yelling 'TAKE IT OFFFFF' to this nerdy band we were watching.  maybe about 20 people in the crowd.  keyboard player took our advice.  awkward silence ensued.  guess they didnt realise we were joking.


Anyway yeah, it was the usual awesome festival thing.  but when we got back to the hotel we decided to sit outside in the courtyard off our room.  we had a bottle of wine and lay on banana lounges with our feet dangling in a decorative little pool.  it was SO relaxing after the exhausting day.  and it really was the most amazing little hotel ever.  the guys running it were just so accommodating and helpful.  i misread something and thought there was a continental breakfast, but there wasnt - so the guy on reception went over to the cafe across the road and ordered  some freshly baked muffins & delivered them to my door!  i mean, that's service. would stay there again in a heartbeat. 




it really shits me that i have this amazing fun life now and i STILL get irritated thinking about the one douchebag in my past.  i think i just hate being on bad terms with anyone.  i talk to my other exes all the time. i've always felt that the end of a sexual relationship shouldnt be the end of EVERYTHING with that person.  which i know some of you would disagree with.  and he clearly disagrees too, or wouldnt have been such a twunt.  ugh.  i have like, hardly any fond memories of my time in england. 

i guess i'm in a mood to make lists.

- put clothes in dryer

- pack for tomorrow:
gin
camera & batteries
clothes for monday..? eep.
TICKETS
map to hotel
phone
purse of some sort
makeups & tolietries

- practise concealing gin  under flowy dress  - omfg, forgot about handbag with hole in lining.  perfect perfect.  go away nerves.

- paint nails
 
- straighten hair

- set alarm - dayliight savings. fuuuuu-




- sleep sleep sleep

you know that list of 100 top books?  i don't like it.  So, is there anywhere i can find a list of books that i will appreciate?  modern, so no jane austin or charles dickens. a list with the bible in it is not something I'm interested in completing.

I absolutely LOVED both of the novels by jonathan safran-foer i've read.  there's something unique about his writing... he has this way of making characters come to life, finding meaning in the insignificant.. blah blah blah.  reading douglas coupland after that was a chore because everything seemed so flat in comparison.  and i love his stuff normally!



so.  favourite novels?

i have nothing to post about on here lately.  and i just realised its because i have nothing to complain about. the two seemingly go hand in hand.   i wonder if its because i'd feel wankery gloating about how much i love life?  or because noone would find it interesting..


dance festival on sunday.  i need to sort out how to sneak my booze in.  its difficult with a dress.  but i am not paying $10 for cans of smirnoff all day.

i lost loads of stuff on friday night when i was out in oxford st.  silly twat.  i think its because i love gin and tonics so much i drink them like water.  i had about half a bottle of bombay sapphire while peter did my makeup, wtf!  anyway then i got massively drunk at the pretentious boring bar and my handbag was just spilling things out and i couldnt be arsed to pick them up.  errr stupid.

it wasnt a very fun night.  i like to sit outside and chat and relax, then go in for a dance sometimes.  the only outdoor section was a little balcony crowded like a tin of sardines. not my scene.  i walked into the bathroom with my sister and we had to double back to check the sign because of all the men in there. i remember lining up cause i needed to wee and all these couples were going into the stalls to fuck and snort coke.  i think i actually yelled  'can someone finish fucking so i can go to the toilet?!' at some late point in the night.


the morning after, we were so seedy and gross and had the giggles.. that was probably the funnest part.  wandering around a grocery store in last nights cocktail dresses to buy all necessary ingredients for a massive breakfast. 
 

but yeah.  as said, nothing really to report. 

i keep spending money and then looking at my credit card thinking 'wtf was that?'   and half the time i can't remember.


HOW did i get so carelessly spendy?  i spent $102 on something on  thursday and I have no idea what it was for.  need to search through my receipts to figure it out i guess.


credit cards are baddddd.

cuba plan is working out so well timing wise already.. I was thinking march, cause thats still dry season and I can hopefully get holidays then without too much hassle.  And a friend will be in florida until march 14th.  So he'll come with me!   He's been EVERYWHERE so I think he'd be a good person to travel somewhere crazy with.

I can't tell if I've got a cold coming on or if its just the result of another massive weekend with too much booze and smoking.  must stop this madness. think of lung cancer. gangrene. think of my grandad talking through a voice box machine because of cigarettes.  I can go weeks without touching them but as soon as i have a drink in my hand i feel like lighting up.
It was a really fun night though.  I was out with girls from work and their friends .  I hope I'm like them when i'm 30-40.  they were still having so much fun, its nice to see people proving life DOESNT end when you reach 30.  My arms still have permanent marker all over them. but at least I don't have 22 FUCK ST written across my back like deb.  I have no idea how she;ll get that off.

also thinking vaguely about getting a tummy tuck slash body shaping done.  may look up prices, risks etc.  it doesnt seem fair to lose a shitload of weight and still be mortified by the sight of your own body.

i asked my friend what he wanted on a mixtape, ie what his taste is.   he said eclectic.  i took that as a challenge. 

i made the best mix of 19 songs ever.  think joanna newsom, mstrkrft, lightning bolt, dresden dolls, decemberists, grizzly bear, and a bunch of australian artists noone here will know.  


pretty pleased with myself.

i ended up going to dinner with person C.  havent seen him in close to 2 years. forgot how much he talks =/
it was pretty friendsy, we just talked heaps [well he did anyway]  and drove around the mountains. 

he suggested coming in my house to chill out, but my room is trashed so i fobbed him off cause it would have been too embarrassing ahah.  kissed me on the cheek when we hugged goodbye.  invited me to go out tomorrow, but i have plans.




err what am i doing. i've already hit that. =/ 


Mum came home from a night out with girls from her work reeking of rum. though apparently didnt consume any.  she was ranting about a girl giving her kahlua when she asked for a tia with coke. and i was like =/  that drink is the epitome of the 90s, wtf did you order that for.  They got a train up the mountains to go out for dinner and they were so excited about it.  I think they were revisiting their youth - they were even openly drinking bottles of wine on the way up!  They didnt know you werent allowed to.  ahahaha. it's been the rules for like my whole life.

lolz boozehound mother.

?me puede ayudar?  means can you help me? i think... i'm not very good at spanish haha.  or how to do upsidedown question marks and accents and stuff.  its kinda fun trying to learn from a downloaded program though =]



I am having so much trouble sorting out this weekend. 
-group A want me to go out in sydney on friday night
-group B want me to go out in katoomba on friday night
-person C is back in the country as of today and probs wants to do something.


if i can manipulate things well enough, the end result will be
dinner & drinks with C on friday, then catching up with B from 11pm onwards.  A will happen on Saturday night instead.

fingers crossed. 

i just realised this makes me sound all OH LOL POPULAR.  but iunno.  i just keep doublebooking myself and its doing my head in >_<

first day of spring.   it seems like a good time to make a post about things looking up, having a sunnier outlook on things, all those other tired cliches.

but... i hate spring. its my least favourite season. it means summer's coming, and i hate that too.  ugh, flies.  billions of flies.

I really miss photography, i've done sod all in months.  I have ideas for photos but no time/freedom to execute them.  it's frustrating.   it'd be great to have a week off work and just spend it doing all the things i have no time for.
Speaking of work, i got declined for holidays in february.  as in 5 months away.  gawd. So i have to apply for some later ones around march or so.  but I want a holiday now =[


Oh and I'm def keen to go to Cuba.  as crazy as everyone thinks it is.  I'm obsessed with the idea.  I have to go. I HAVE TO visit somewhere mcdonalds doesnt exist.  I just imagine it to be an explosion of clashing colour and old bicycles and gold teeth and anti-american billboards.  I want to make a humungous set of photos of the people i meet on the streets.

BRB, gonna look up flight costs. and maybe download a spanish language program. 

is it a bad idea to be considering hooking up with a former flame just for the hell of it?  i havent suggested it to him at all, just something I know i could do if i chose to.  i'm still feeling anti-casual sex but for some reason in my head it doesnt count if i've already hit that ahah.


I was on the way to sydney yesterday and realised my friend had a dressup party that night!  the theme was favourite 90s icon.  Which i really struggled with, considering I had to come up with something with the makeup in my handbag, and whatever clothing I bought in sydney that day.   I ended up going as posh spice,  whom i actually can't stand.. but it was an excuse to waste lots and lots of money on a designer dress & blazer with RIDICULOUS shoulder pads.  I'm in love.

Now I'm on a mission to find a gold dress with a big skirt.  and lots of tulle skirts.  or maybe figure out how to make them considering how expensive even a petticoat is.

i'm pretty much reworking my whole wardrobe around this blazer.  I also need some cool brooches. quirky old lady looking ones.  i have a feeling etsy would be chockers with perfect ones but i dunno if they do australian shipping - its a uk site right?



But yeah, night out was shit and yet I stayed out till 3.30am. sober. surrounded by wankered guys itching to fight each other. love lithgow.

MY PETTICOAT ARRIVED!  It turned up on like the 3RD, which was bank holiday, and the post office didn't bother leaving a note under the door or anything.  So today I got a 'final notice' warning that I have a parcel - thx guise, could've just told me 2 weeks ago. It's really crumpled from being packed up so tight ahaha.  And on my birthday the girls at work bought me a voucher for a store in town, so I bought some shoesies. they're red mary janes with big buckles.  I'm in love.  but i have to stretch them cause they were only in a size too small.  i needed them =[

Speaking of birthday, went out to dinner with family on friday night.  Then cocktails at the hotel i used to work in, and blagged some free ones from the guy behind the bar [since I TAUGHT him how to make them it seemed fair]... then family went home, my sister & i went out to gearins with her boyfriend and got lots more free drinks. 

THEN.  walking home from the station at 3am, these lads tried to jump us.  not kidding.  It might have been scary... but we were angry drunks.  and the oldest kid looked 16 tops.  and amy's boyfriend is a cop.  So we lost our shit.

me: you guise are idiots, he's a cop. wtf are you doing?
lad: aww yeah show us ya badge then, gaan.
owen: *shows badge*
lad:..... think you're a real tough guy hiding behind that badge huh
amy: *shoves lad* get the fuck out of here
me: that guy looks about 12.  WHAT ARE YOU DOING LITTLE BOY.  go home to your mother.
boy: i dont really want to be here.
amy shoves lad again
lad: to owen:  aww think you're cool getting your girlfriend to fight for you
owen:  i can fight for myself.  and you'll cry, like all your other friends cry when i arrest them. 
lad: aw fuck this guys *gives up*
me:  enjoy SPAWNING in a year, you've got nothing else to look forward to
amy: yeah have fun doing NOTHING in your life!

except it went for about.. 10 minutes. we gave them SO much shit. 

i'm actually pretty pleased about it, because who knows how many people they've targetted on that back street in the middle of the night, before someone stood up to them?   my sister was hilariously aggressive. <3 ahaha.

then, we ate lots and lots of deep fried foods at the service station before retiring to bed.

lolz birthday.



my actual party is this saturday night =]

I spent the weekend with my sister in town.  Her BFF is going to canadia on exchange this thursday so we had drinks at his on Friday, and a big farewell party on Saturday night.   

Amy and i had a big fight on saturday morning, continued on from a text argument over a week ago.  She was stomping around the kitchen and snarling at me and i was like 'wtf?'  and she just RANTED at me about how I fucked up her plans on Friday by making her pick me up and didn't even say thank you.  and how I'm not allowed to lecture her on money [even though she borrows it from me all the time to buy fucking cigarettes]   And kept yelling at me for not being grateful and i was like 'well fuck, do you charge your boyfriend every time you drive twice as far to see him? '  and of course she DOESNT, because she likes him and just sees me as a moneybox.  She kept yelling, I started  crying, it was really really shitty.  it was like she resented me being there, which really hurt.  i'm still pissed with her.

whenever she starts the pill she turns into the bitchiest motherfucker.  i actually don;t really want to head back up there any time soon after all the things she said.  we're normally like friends, it hurt so much to be treated like dirt. 


Anyway.  We formed a sort of truce and had a pretty good night dressed up as mimes.  Noones uploaded any photos to facebook yet but i'm sure there'll be some shockers.  We flaked really badly, was like skin dandruff.  white face paint = never again.   stayed out till 5 dancing.  way too many guys trying to sleaze.  One kept leaning in for a kiss and I was like DUDE I AM A MIME K, it's not happening!   Most of our friends left around 2-3 and it was just a bunch of us dressed up as frenchies at the end. striped shirts galore!

goddamn I hate bindi irwin.  everything she says is so scripted.   and she keeps SINGING. for some unknown reason.  "hey panda as humans expand[a] there's no bamBOO for YOO"

wut.



I'm finding it a bit difficult to work with some of the girls at the bank because I've been putting in 100% every single day.  And now i'm getting really good. I'm doing all the treasury work, I'm studying up on useful things when there're no customers, i'm making the money decisions.   But the other girls I work with are so.. complacent. and they're content to coast along at bare minimum effort.  I'm the newest one there but they ask  me everything. 


It should be a good thing but some days I feel burnt out.  Like today.  I was just so busy with huge amounts of cash and trying to fix other girls problems and helping them do things i taught myself weeks ago and then ONE MINUTE before closing i had to serve a guy sending money to the czech republic.  which takes 10-15 minutes to do and everyone hates it.  so i got stressy about all the shit i had to do and how i'd lost 15 minutes and the others were just standing around cause they were already finished with their shit for the day.  i had $80k excess cash in my cashbox to strap up and send to treasury.  and of course i do the treasury side of it too. arf.  i felt like a cartoon stresshead with hair frizzing out due to being so frazzled.  


so yeah. dunno.  i handled it fine, i managed to get everything done with half an hour to spare but i felt like i had to carry the other two.  so fucking lazy.  i found 2 cups half full of week-old coffee underneath one girls counter today.  wtf.  thats just disgusting. 


/vent

my dress arrived today =] 

i love getting mail delivered to my work.  i was SO excited to try it on.


s'big on the bust though.  fml. >8(

Its almost exactly 3 years since i first started seeing my very first boyfriend.  I feel like I have changed SO much in these 3 years. I miss my naivete.  I feel so jaded after b and all the 'casual' stuff i've done.  People would probably think its a good thing that I can't blindly trust people any more but I miss it.  i wanted so much to keep faith in people when I was going through everything with b but I feel like I lost a lot of it.

I can't tell if I'm really messed up or if everyone has lots of head issues to deal with all the time.  I can't even find sex appealing - all i can think of is mechanical empty sex and it makes me feel queasy.  notches on a bedpost.  I go out and I feel like EVERYONE around me is just trying to hook up and I don't understand why.  though a few years ago that probably would have been me?


urgh. mindbeef.  i had another nightmare about b!  he was trying to attack me with a saw, woke up really stressed out.  so i laughed at his pretentious ways irl in retaliation. :shrug: i can't justify my head but it made me feel better.


Oh and last night I dreamt i got turned into a zombie.  zombies are actually a lot like normal people when they're chilling out together,  but as soon as a human comes by we're all ARGH BRAINS. fo real.

x

I'm well bored of internet lately.  so i'm starting to write letters again instead. if anyone wants 6 pages rambling about anything that takes my fancy you should pm me an address to send to. yup.  i might even throw in a mixtape.

So i had this really fun weekend out.  And then I come back online and the first thing i read is b moaning about the 4-way mixup he's in.  And now I feel sick and I'm shaking really bad and I wish he didn't exist. What a cunt to throw all that in my face.

Why the hell do I even bother with the internet anymore?  He's fucking ruined that too. Like someone can't ask me 'HOW WAS ENGLAND?' without pain jolting through me for a second before i say 'oh it was great but so expensive, that's why i came back so early'

yeahuh. Noone here knows how bad he fucked me over and I'm happier that way.

I love Sydney so much. Sod London, that filthy miserable wasteland.  Sydney nightlife is a bit trashy, seedy, wild and so much fun.  You don't go out until 10pm and you stay out until morning.  You hop on a bus or a train to go home and realise everyone else is going off to work, when all you want is bed or the beach.  BEACH. omfg.  That's something else so amazing about Sydney.  What could be better than the beach when you're all smelly and boozey?  Diving into the water at sunrise in a mismatched assortment of swimwear you found at your friends house that night.  Lazing around on the sand laughing about the night before while fitness freaks jog past.  


This probably makes me sound like a boozehound. But I can only think of ONE really fun night in England.  That was in a huge gay bar, with a bunch of strangers.  I went out all the time with friends but it was kinda gross because the bars and men were so sleazy.  And alcohol affected me differently there, I lost control of myself so easily.  Maybe I drank too quickly,  or maybe because I wasn't genuinely happy for the majority of the time there.  i'd get moody instead of giggly/chatty.


My night out in Katoomba was pretty fun.  I hadn't seen one friend since August, and the other I'd never really spoken to, only recognised from highschool.  A cover band played requests like Violent Femmes, Foo Fighters, Fat Boy Slim and just fun, singalongy songs all night.  It was packed with attractive, friendly people.   Soon as A found out I'm single she decided to set me up with someone ahah.  Shall be interesting..

look how stunning she is.. i look so roundfaced and plain next to her!

"Eleanor Rigby"
Douglas Coupland;

"Haunted"
Chuck Palahniuk;

"Everything is Illuminated"
Jonathan Safran Foer;

"The Road"
Cormac McCarthy;

"The Gum Thief"
Douglas Coupland;

"Speed of Dark"
Elizabeth Moon;

"A Canticle for Leibowitz"
Walter M. Miller;



What to do when you've got a foreign bank account costing 5 quid a month and no intentions of needing it any time soon?   buy books on amazon =] 

I WISH we had an australian one though.  half the cost was shipping ffs.

hmmmm I want to close it but I've not done the tax thing yet.  =/  I wonder if they can't just send me a cheque like they do here in aus?