Its almost exactly 3 years since i first started seeing my very first boyfriend. I feel like I have changed SO much in these 3 years. I miss my naivete. I feel so jaded after b and all the 'casual' stuff i've done. People would probably think its a good thing that I can't blindly trust people any more but I miss it. i wanted so much to keep faith in people when I was going through everything with b but I feel like I lost a lot of it.
I can't tell if I'm really messed up or if everyone has lots of head issues to deal with all the time. I can't even find sex appealing - all i can think of is mechanical empty sex and it makes me feel queasy. notches on a bedpost. I go out and I feel like EVERYONE around me is just trying to hook up and I don't understand why. though a few years ago that probably would have been me?
urgh. mindbeef. i had another nightmare about b! he was trying to attack me with a saw, woke up really stressed out. so i laughed at his pretentious ways irl in retaliation. :shrug: i can't justify my head but it made me feel better.
Oh and last night I dreamt i got turned into a zombie. zombies are actually a lot like normal people when they're chilling out together, but as soon as a human comes by we're all ARGH BRAINS. fo real.
x
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mmipanda- July 16th, 21:04
- penpals ! 8D
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- mmipanda
- July 2nd, 22:53
I'm well bored of internet lately. so i'm starting to write letters again instead. if anyone wants 6 pages rambling about anything that takes my fancy you should pm me an address to send to. yup. i might even throw in a mixtape.
- blergh
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- mmipanda
- June 14th, 12:44
So i had this really fun weekend out. And then I come back online and the first thing i read is b moaning about the 4-way mixup he's in. And now I feel sick and I'm shaking really bad and I wish he didn't exist. What a cunt to throw all that in my face.
Why the hell do I even bother with the internet anymore? He's fucking ruined that too. Like someone can't ask me 'HOW WAS ENGLAND?' without pain jolting through me for a second before i say 'oh it was great but so expensive, that's why i came back so early'
yeahuh. Noone here knows how bad he fucked me over and I'm happier that way.
- sydney
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- mmipanda
- June 9th, 19:28
I love Sydney so much. Sod London, that filthy miserable wasteland. Sydney nightlife is a bit trashy, seedy, wild and so much fun. You don't go out until 10pm and you stay out until morning. You hop on a bus or a train to go home and realise everyone else is going off to work, when all you want is bed or the beach. BEACH. omfg. That's something else so amazing about Sydney. What could be better than the beach when you're all smelly and boozey? Diving into the water at sunrise in a mismatched assortment of swimwear you found at your friends house that night. Lazing around on the sand laughing about the night before while fitness freaks jog past.
This probably makes me sound like a boozehound. But I can only think of ONE really fun night in England. That was in a huge gay bar, with a bunch of strangers. I went out all the time with friends but it was kinda gross because the bars and men were so sleazy. And alcohol affected me differently there, I lost control of myself so easily. Maybe I drank too quickly, or maybe because I wasn't genuinely happy for the majority of the time there. i'd get moody instead of giggly/chatty.
My night out in Katoomba was pretty fun. I hadn't seen one friend since August, and the other I'd never really spoken to, only recognised from highschool. A cover band played requests like Violent Femmes, Foo Fighters, Fat Boy Slim and just fun, singalongy songs all night. It was packed with attractive, friendly people. Soon as A found out I'm single she decided to set me up with someone ahah. Shall be interesting..
look how stunning she is.. i look so roundfaced and plain next to her!
- amazon
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- mmipanda
- May 26th, 23:17
"Eleanor Rigby"
Douglas Coupland;
"Haunted"
Chuck Palahniuk;
"Everything is Illuminated"
Jonathan Safran Foer;
"The Road"
Cormac McCarthy;
"The Gum Thief"
Douglas Coupland;
"Speed of Dark"
Elizabeth Moon;
"A Canticle for Leibowitz"
Walter M. Miller;
What to do when you've got a foreign bank account costing 5 quid a month and no intentions of needing it any time soon? buy books on amazon =]
I WISH we had an australian one though. half the cost was shipping ffs.
hmmmm I want to close it but I've not done the tax thing yet. =/ I wonder if they can't just send me a cheque like they do here in aus?
- (no subject)
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- mmipanda
- May 2nd, 22:19
my best friend got married yesterday. i'm sad to be back home already, the weekend was a big blur. i'm trying to go through my photos but i'm just so tired i have to go to bed. i haven't slept in past 7 for a whole week now. this is awful for me. am not a morning person at all.
ohh my stepbrother has a babbeh now. we've been to visit twice. they made me hold the baby this time. i must've looked so awkward/terrified. i've never held a baby before. i keep calling it IT instead of him. 'oh it has such tiny fingernails' - must stop that i guess.
stepbro was really grumpy today. he kept being all argumentative and preachy. he was lecturing us for how we're raising our dog, saying he needs discipline and thats why he poos inside still. RIGHT sean. Sean who never ever feeds him, or really interacts with him at all. Sean who had a puppy for 2 months when he lived out of home, tried to dump it with us and hadn't even bothered toilet training it. We had to take that puppy to the pound because we couldnt look after it either. DO NOT tell me how to treat the most insecure dog in the world like you actually know your shit. the poor thing gets panicked that he's been abandoned every time we leave the house.
Anyway. ramble ramble. i need bed. laterz.
- (no subject)
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- mmipanda
- April 29th, 22:51
It's sunny. I'm wearing a colourful dress. I'm walking towards someone and either radiating feel-good beams or reflecting the sunlight, maybe both. My arms are out like I'm about to hug the person. He lashes out and punches me in the chest. The force of it snaps me back several steps. It's suddenly wintry and overcast. I'm hunched forward in pain and misery. I realise I'm alone in an overcast deserted carpark.
Funny how you won't think about something for days and then your subconscious forces you into it. It's been going around in my head since I woke up from the mininap, and I guess I'm hoping that writing it down will let me sleep properly.
- i've been stimulated !
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- mmipanda
- April 27th, 18:46
finally.
the government has been giving people $900 as part of an 'economic stimulus plan.' so long as you earnt under $100,000 last financial year and paid at least SOME tax, the money is yours. My poor uni student sister has maxed out her credit card and because she got all her tax back, she won't get the moneys. sux2bher.
deffo gonna get my hair done. a nice cut and colour i think, because it looks awful atm. 900 feels like SO much money right now, hah. i could even buy a nice red coat like i want. oh and some new work shoes because theyre falling apart. hmmmmmm. i also got my last centrelink payment today =] after a year of stressing over every penny i finally have a disposable income again!
i had my first day of work today. they're already suggesting that i'll be the supervising teller once i'm trained up, which is crazy. i held in my hand more money than i've ever seen in my life but it didnt seem REAL. it was like.. monopoly money.
- stolen meme thingy
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- mmipanda
- April 23rd, 20:46
I like this one because it's so open to your own interpretation, instead of 'do u liek hugz? y/n'
right this moment I am...
Feeling: almost uncomfortably full of tasty food
Wearing: a jack daniels tshirt and polka dot pyjama pants
Wishing: for a wonderfully ugly mirror found in an antique store to be mine
Missing: that box of shit i sent from england, which should've been here weeks ago.
Thinking: of a pendulum song and nodding like a bobbleheaded dog to the beat in my head
Wondering: if i should walk to my grandmothers house to finish some dresses tomorrow
Raving About: having a n00 job OMFG
Ranting About: how much i dislike people, i guess.
Fangirling/Drooling Over: Wouldn't go that far, but I would be very happy to be with someone who looks like hugh laurie does at his age. phwoar <3
Thankful For: mumsy playing taxi so i can have a bit of a social life.
Planning: i see beautiful pictures in my head and i'm trying to figure out how to capture them in photos
Looking Forward To: my best friend's wedding. not as in the movie.
Dreading: realising how unfit i am when i get around to exercising again
Wanting: a flat coat retriever. he & my current golden retriever would look ADORABLE together.
Hoping: everyone at my n00 job likes me, and i don't do my usual thing of starting off great and then withdrawing and going all introverted and moody. =[
- another idea
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- mmipanda
- April 17th, 23:04
SO this afternoon we popped down the street to get some pesto, and mum talked to some guy for a little bit. when he left she told me he's THE photographer around here and that he charged $800 for some rubbish photos of a hotel.
This led to a discussion about whether I could make any money around here from photography and it's actually kinda promising.
a) mum's the IT manager of the council. She can do pretty much anything in web design, so I'd have a nice understated chic site. i'm thinking charcoal background, clean fonts, easy drop down menu navigation.
b) her best friend is the tourism manager and i've known her for about 10 years.
c) These two people are very very useful contacts - any upcoming events, advertisements for hotels etc, all require a photographer.
d) the only competition in the district charges a fortune
e) his photographs look like flat snapshots that anybody could take
so. I'm kind of excited about this. I realised I can't do my courses until I save up enough money to pay for them, and my final high school exam score was so disastrous I can't get into the only university with the specific course I want. Which is so infuriating when you look at some of the mongs who can't even spell getting degrees. But I burnt out in yr 12 and dropped from straight A student to middle of the pack. My own fault I guess. So yeah, study will be put on hold while I build up a portfolio and hopefully make a bit of money.
It's so good to have some concept of direction in my life. For years I haven't known what to do, so I did nothing. I ran away to England to figure it out, which totally backfired. And now its like.. I've told myself 'just do what you WANT instead of what you think you HAVE to,' It's liberating. mmm.
In other news, I doubt anyone remembers g. I moaned about him a bit when I first opened an lj account. Anyway he contacted me the other day on facebook saying he was sorry he was such a dick, and hoped we could be friends. I said thanks for the apology, it's appreciated, but wtf are you talking to me after a year for? and he replied some other stuff. And now he's sent me a text. And I don't know what the hell he wants. Maybe he really does want to be friends, even though we never actually were. Maybe he's lonely and thinks he could rekindle something rather than go looking for someone new. errrr dunno. Can't be arsed with him really.
- museboard
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- mmipanda
- April 10th, 12:54
I just read through pages and pages of the girly thread. I remember niamh said a few weeks ago that she's sick of people hating on themselves. And I get where she's coming from. Even though I'm guilty of it sometimes. People are placing way too much importance on the most trivial things like a clothing size. Or weight. It's just numbers. You would think with such a diverse group of girls people would realise you can't compare yourself to anyone else.
I went shopping yesterday. I fell in love with a one-off designed LBD. It was a size 8 [uk 6]. The shop assistant looked at me with a critically appraising eye and added that the material was not stretchy at all. So i put it back and went into a different store, where I bought a lovely skirt in a size 12. I guess my point is I didn't let the size thing get me down and I still had a great day. No exaggeration, I'm pretty certain nobody would want to trade their bodies with mine. I'm covered in stretchmarks from my arms to my knees, I have way too much excess skin and yet even when i was a size 18 my boobs were an A cup. And so when someone like Sandra feels too repulsive to be seen naked I think there's some serious psychological issue. not as someone said, an act of attention seeking.
Anyway yeah. That's the other thing annoying me in the girly thread. The level of bitchiness that emerged while i slept. FMF always says what she thinks, and it's very blunt but not deliberately nasty. And people are therefore blunt back to her and she accepts it. But it's ridiculously hypocritical to take a shot at someone and then yell shenanigans when anyone says 'hang on a second...' There's joking around insults, and then there's just being nasty.
Yesterday I met some people from a mars volta forum. It was so relaxed and just.. cool. Maybe my most enjoyable group meetup, the first one I've felt comfortable at. Not to offend any of you but conversation just flowed so easily and it felt like a group of friends instead of people you know in varying degrees from online.
- berkleton
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- mmipanda
- March 30th, 15:35
My dog learnt how to swim today. He's such a weird golden retriever. Doesn't even like getting his feet wet.
I kept throwing this tennis ball out into the lake further and further, until finally it was deeper than he could stand. He sort of pranced around anxiously for a while before taking the plunge. It was pretty cute, I could see the look of surprise on his face when he realised he could swim. He was actually enjoying it too, splashing and jumping around.
I bought him a custard tart in celebration. He turns 5 in May, I can't believe we've had him for nearly 2 years.
... this is how exciting my life is lately. all I've done aside from that is watch Arrested Development boxsets with my sister.
- favouritism
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- mmipanda
- March 13th, 11:57
I am really fucked off. I just found out that my dad pays for my sister's rent, all $400 a month. And he's paying for her car rego too. He never gave me a cent, even when my rent was 600 POUNDS a month and i made half what she does per hour. he just suggested i move to romania, where its cheaper.
also, he still hasnt even called me since i've been back.
and amy constantly moans about how poor she is and how hard living out of home is, when she doesnt even pay rent. all she has to pay for is petrol and about $60 of bills a month. and she makes $300 a week.
i'm fucking furious at both of them. dad for having such blatent favouritism, and amy for wasting all her money on booze but refusing to come to the cinemas with me when she had to buy her own ticket.
- wang
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- mmipanda
- March 10th, 16:44
As good as it is to be back with people I love...
I really do hate this shit-kicking inbred boring empty country town.
Should start applying for jobs. It'll give me something to do. And money. I miss money. Berkleton is probably sick of me talking to him all day. Being a dog and all that.
My grandparents took me to Bathurst today, which is a bigger shitkicking country town. We bought some fabrics so I can start making some nicer clothing. So far I've made a hideous little bag, and an even worse pair of pyjama pants. My nan has the WORST taste in the world. She kept pointing out the most lurid, overwhelming fabrics.
I kind of love making stuff though. I want to get good at it. I'm even wondering if I've finally found something I'd want to do as a career. But getting way ahead of myself there. Lets see how this dress turns out.
Been arguing quite a bit with my sister. She smokes now. Which I wouldn't have a problem with except she insists she isn't addicted, just likes it. Then said 'I tried to give it up, but I realised I didn't want to,' And still can't just admit she isn't in control of it. When we went to see NIN, she'd only eaten half a bag of chips/crisps all day. Yet I had to guilt her into buying some dinner. She seems almost proud of going all day without a decent meal and it upsets me.
Maybe the food thing bothers me so much because of the few weeks I spent eating next to nothing. I couldn't physically eat because I was so upset about things in my life. Which I didn't think was something my body was capable of, I've got a huge appetite normally. But I wasted away, lost so much energy. I had to get a bus up the hill to my house. And I just tried to stay in bed all day.
So I guess I just can't understand why people would WANT to be so lethargic and malnourished. And I don't want my sister to develop an eating disorder, when she's convinced she's in control of herself and she isn't.
- yay!
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- mmipanda
- February 27th, 9:38
I am howm now. =]
It feels strange. Like i'm just visiting and I'll disappear in a few days. Maybe because I've never seen this house.
It's fun to go through my old stuff. My sister has helped herself to everything so my cds/books etc are missing or leant out to her friends. Cheers for that.
My doggie remembers me <3 I was worried about that. But he's just as snuggly as ever. I will take him for a walk later today to see my grandmother. And hopefully start learning how to sew. I want to make my own clothes.
- goodbyes
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- mmipanda
- February 21st, 21:24
my last week was nice. i spent a lot of time with my closest friends, spent a lot of time drunk too. i went to brighton, went out to the biggest/most popular gay bar with a bunch of strangers and had a fantastic time.
i told bob i was down, and felt like we should say goodbye. he ummed and ahhhed and i got annoyed and said i was sick of him messing me around and if he wanted to see me, he knew where i was. and if not, he could do whatever he wanted. so yeah, he didn't bother.
i tried to call him when i was back in london and he wouldnt answer his phone. all i wanted was a goodbye. i'm not as upset by it as i should be i guess. everyone else was so loving and kind. i already have plans to see emily again, she's coming to visit australia in may.
i feel so good about going home. and richard branson is on my flight. ooooh. or its just a really clever recording.
- amsterdam
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- mmipanda
- February 9th, 14:51
had a crazy night. got pretty messed up from a bit of cake with some friends. they both greened out and got all paranoid and miserable. which was pretty shit. then walking through the red light district to get to a sex show was a whole lot to cope with. i probably stared blankly at the people on stage the whole time. and giggled a lot.
i saw someone write on a guys chest with a marker pen held in her vajayjay.
we finish tomorrow, sob. i have had so much fun on this trip. am not looking forward to spending 10 days back in london. i need to come up with cheap activities to pass the time. hmmmmmm.
- omfg
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- mmipanda
- January 31st, 19:28
europe is amazing. its also amazingly expensive. this keyboard has the y and z swapped around. chaos ensues. i like the extra letters though. öööfun.
thursday i was in paris and went to all the main sites. didnt get in the catacombs =[ had the door shut in our faces actually. something about the transport strike. >EH. the red light district was scary and dodgy but i guess thats to be expected.
i need to get a travel diary so i can write everzthing down. i^ll forget it all otherwise!
god iäm really struggling with this keyboard. i guess there are setbacks to touchtyping. this half hour has cost me 5 swiss francs. ouch.
todaz was spent in a lovelz little town in swityerland, i went up the highest peak and got high on lack of oxygen ahah. we sledded back down part of the way which resulted in a lot of bruises. was hilarious though. i am aching right now. stacey threw a snowball at my face when we had a silent late night drunk snowball fight. i have a black eye. ahaha its prettz embarrassing.
- if i stay in one place i lose my mind
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- mmipanda
- January 23rd, 9:39
i'm a pretty impossible lady to be with.
and thats just one of the reasons i guess.
i am fed up with everything atm. i just want to go on my holiday, but theres a billion things to do before i can get there and it may as well be 8 years away instead of a week.
updated to do list
ugh. i'm basically just in a strop over everything. i yelled at a car for honking at me when i crossed the road. something like 'ITS A FUCKING PEDESTRIAN CROSSING YA DICK'- Try to hold onto job as long as possible.-CLEAN house.no need
- Advertise room on Gumtree. Find someone to take over by February 1st
-Sell my bicycle Frankie [</3]
-Arrange to ship some things home
- Get housekey copied, because I lost mine
-organise travel insurance
- Cancel Direct debit rent payment
- Book hostel in London from February 10th.
-Look up prices of flights to Sydney
- Go to Stonehenge & Bath. Must be done before I leave.
- sort out council tax issue. best case scenario will get cost down to 200 from 630. not hopeful.-- wash clothespack everything into this giant box,fill out 1000,000 forms. call shipping company re-final payment- sell ipod, & old phones. do not let on that the pink one only cost about a fiver. they might not realise.
i'm sure theres a lot of other stuff too.
but yeah. i'm sick of everything. i had a mini panic attack earlier cause i realised that i'm GOING rly rly soon and i have to sort out everything by myself and wondered if it was the right thing to do. and i felt that old familiar tight chest OMG I'M OVERWHELMED feeling. oh, its been a while old friend.
then i realised it was just because i have spent all day procrastinating and left it to the last minute. there is NO reason to stay here and wait out this miserable winter. more and more i'm liking the idea of coming back for a holiday in summer though. i miss sitting in parks at 9.30pm and watching everyone walking past me. i miss all the music festivals every weekend. i miss when being here was new and exciting and i was in love or something close to it. living & working in london made me really miserable after only a short while but it would be nice to visit as an outsider instead of a grimy grumpy londoner.
basically, none of that is gonna come back any time soon so i'd rather catch australia's autumn, save some money and luxuriate in the world of rent-free living for a while.
it can't come soon enough. part of me really wants to just get away from bob cause i'm sick of letting him get me all upset. i nearly didnt go to the lomokev photography lecture thing last night cause of an argument with him over NOTHING. he didnt bother introducing me to the girls he brought along and when they went off to a pub i went home. we spent maybe 2 minutes talking and he was nice/normal and asked for a hug. but now hes just being exactly the same as always. i said i had a feeling that would be the last time we saw each other and now that feeling is stronger than ever. what a pathetic end. today i read an old chat log where i said how scared i was that something would happen and we parted on bad terms. but i didnt really think it could happen, at the time.
also i'm kinda pissed off cause ALL i want to do on australia day is listen to the hottest 100 on triple j. but my friends are pretty much making me go up to shepherds bush walkabout. which i've only been to once, and despised. it'll be 103 times worse this time and twice as expensive as brighton. and theyre not even playing the countdown !
but then, i did have a point there.
edit: btw i only just realised theres probably a correlation with my pill/time of the month and this stroppy cow mood. and it explains the strange craving for fanta too. lolz.
- eternal sunshine..
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- mmipanda
- January 22nd, 2:14
of the spotless mind.
I was thinking about this for about an hour yesterday. Would you delete somebody from your memory? would you rather forget the good & bad times completely, or live with them forever?
Its not such an easy decision to make. Sometimes it's the good memories that make the bad ones seem so much worse, in comparison.
It'd be easier to erase, I think. But for some reason it doesn't seem like the right thing to do. I guess if you do erase the memories, you haven't learnt anything from them.
HMM. I wanna know what everyone else thinks.
